I know it looks like a really sad image, but that's exactly how I was feeling last night. Sometimes you can just brush it off and get over it. But something happened in my family yesterday that has me wondering: "Am I in this family, or what?!"
Forgive me for not being my usual silly self, but it's hard sometimes to not let my emotions show...especially because I'm the kind of girl that wears my emotions on my sleeve...As some of you know, I have lots of siblings and a large family. I keep in contact with them on a regular basis, even though we all don't see each other regularly. Well, yesterday they made me feel like this...
In order for you to fully understand it, you'd have to understand how close I am to my dad. He's my knight in shining armor! He's rescued me in some really bad times in my life. And because I love him so much, I make sure I keep in close communication with him regularly.
Recently I mentioned on this blog that he was considering whether or not he was going to have some surgery. It was a decision he had to make because he's been in pain every morning and not having the movement he used to have...Well, he consulted with the doctor and decided he's going to have it. That's what he told me when he called yesterday...a call I was waiting for, because I knew he was suppose to have his appointment.
But what I wasn't prepared for was him telling me that he was sorry that he didn't let me know before now, but he just got home from the hospital!! I said: "Oh! You decided to go in and have the surgery?!" I was really puzzled that he said this, because he was leaning toward NOT having the surgery the last time we talked, and his appointment with the surgeon wasn't suppose to be until day before yesterday! :-/
Then he said: "No! Not for that surgery! Something happened with my hand!...It blew up to 5 times it's size for some reason. I don't know what I did. I went to the hospital and they put me in. I was in there for 3 days!!! The fingernail had to be taken off, and I was put on some strong antibiotics. I'm still on them for at least 7 more days!"
What?!!...After making sure he was okay, I started asking other questions. That's when my feelings really got hurt. He said that they thought he was going to die! That the whole family have been coming around and watching him like he was a dead man. That even the cousins {who are not generally that close to him) all came over to make sure he was okay!! And since he's been home the house has been full of people!!
Really?!!....Really?!!!....The cousins were called?! They thought he was going to die?!!....And NOBODY CALLED ME!!!! He was in the hospital for 3 days, on a 'touch and go' kind of watch, and NOBODY CALLED ME!!!...Am I still IN this family or what?!! Going forward it's going to be kinda hard to do this!...
The part that REALLY hurts is that my sisters especially know how close I am to my dad, and yet, in a situation as dire as this....not one of them called me!! What's that about?!!...I'm really angry about it! I'm trying to prayerfully process it...as I always do. But no matter how I get pass this, somehow I know there's going to be some lingering feelings, and not good ones, toward my siblings over this one!
I'm remembering Bible verses...I'll spare you having to hear the long list of the ones I'm playing over and over in my head....comforting;...and I'm having chats with my hubby. He always has a way of making me feel better, no matter what's happened. :-)
As a matter of fact, after consoling me over this 'obvious slighting' from my family, he decided this was the perfect time to give me the details of his Colonoscopy procedure! LOL How he was in a room initially that had other men and women getting ready for the same procedure. All of the with their curtains drawn in between, but you could hear everything.
He was curious as to why the men were told to remove EVERYTHING, but the women were allowed to keep their underwear on! I assured him that I didn't know!! LOL He told me that because he was so tall they had to give him a longer johnny {Curious! :-/}; That he didn't have to count backwards or anything when they put the medication in his I.V., but he did wake up with the doctor talking to him, and he was staring at what the doctor said was the inside of his pink colon!!! He said it looked like chitlings on T.V.!! ^_^ {If you don't know what chitlings are you're not gonna know how funny that really is!!!}
We were laughing hysterically by the time we went to bed! {And you really haven't laughed until you've done it with a C-Pap machine on!!! LOL}..Once again, hubby came to the rescue! :-)
... I'm thankful I have him as my family...even though I want to strangle the whole rest of my brood!!! ^_^
Hopefully I'll get okay enough to call and talk to my siblings today. Maybe there's something about this that I'm not seeing correctly....Hurt feelings will get in the way of that happening sometimes....And, Oh yeah, did I mention....My feelings are REALLY hurt over this!!!...Yeah, I probably mentioned that! ^_^
Has anything like this ever happened in your family?! Was there a reasonable answer for it?! Are you still mad about it today?! I'd love some feedback on it, even though I know it's gonna be one I have to work out myself...over time.
This poem is not new....surprisingly! {Forgive the seeming hardness of it's tone, but at that time it was how I felt} I wrote it back before my family and I got closer. Now some of these emotions are rearing their ugly head again!
Inside The Family-Out
Although I love all of them
and put myself 'All-Out' in love,
they continue to behave
as though my love's disposable.
I came into this world alone
and I never knew my dad.
My mom was, most times, self-absorbed.
For sure, my future looked real bad.
I was my mother's older child;
Illegitimate-but cute-
The product of impatience-
Her dark-eyed forbidden fruit.
Inside the family-but out-
Never quite belonging there.
Never looking like my sisters
(I had more weight, and straighter hair).
Later, resentment reared its head-
My sisters all would pout and moan;
'Why would their dad take me with them,
treating me just like his own?'
It didn't show itself so much
back when we were growing up;
But, now, underlying tension
is about to tip the cup.
I got married-moved away-
But was concerned about them all.
I would write and visit them-
But I was not worth a phone call?!
There was always an excuse
that I should 'Really' understand;
And when they wanted something
I was suppose to say: "I Can!"
When there was a pregnancy
I crocheted them things to wear-
(Not because they needed them-
but to let them know "I Care".)
I'd invite them to my house,
but they rarely ever came;
and they'd lie and say they would-
like it was some funny game!
I was suppose to get involved
in the workings of their life,
But they wouldn't try to know me-
and it cut me like a knife.
I still try to understand it,
but I take a different route-
Now I try to keep some distance,
make them guess what I'm about-
Still inside the family-out.
