I know it looks like a really sad image, but that's exactly how I was feeling last night. Sometimes you can just brush it off and get over it. But something happened in my family yesterday that has me wondering: "Am I in this family, or what?!"
Forgive me for not being my usual silly self, but it's hard sometimes to not let my emotions show...especially because I'm the kind of girl that wears my emotions on my sleeve...As some of you know, I have lots of siblings and a large family. I keep in contact with them on a regular basis, even though we all don't see each other regularly. Well, yesterday they made me feel like this...
In order for you to fully understand it, you'd have to understand how close I am to my dad. He's my knight in shining armor! He's rescued me in some really bad times in my life. And because I love him so much, I make sure I keep in close communication with him regularly.
Recently I mentioned on this blog that he was considering whether or not he was going to have some surgery. It was a decision he had to make because he's been in pain every morning and not having the movement he used to have...Well, he consulted with the doctor and decided he's going to have it. That's what he told me when he called yesterday...a call I was waiting for, because I knew he was suppose to have his appointment.
But what I wasn't prepared for was him telling me that he was sorry that he didn't let me know before now, but he just got home from the hospital!! I said: "Oh! You decided to go in and have the surgery?!" I was really puzzled that he said this, because he was leaning toward NOT having the surgery the last time we talked, and his appointment with the surgeon wasn't suppose to be until day before yesterday! :-/
Then he said: "No! Not for that surgery! Something happened with my hand!...It blew up to 5 times it's size for some reason. I don't know what I did. I went to the hospital and they put me in. I was in there for 3 days!!! The fingernail had to be taken off, and I was put on some strong antibiotics. I'm still on them for at least 7 more days!"
What?!!...After making sure he was okay, I started asking other questions. That's when my feelings really got hurt. He said that they thought he was going to die! That the whole family have been coming around and watching him like he was a dead man. That even the cousins {who are not generally that close to him) all came over to make sure he was okay!! And since he's been home the house has been full of people!!
Really?!!....Really?!!!....The cousins were called?! They thought he was going to die?!!....And NOBODY CALLED ME!!!! He was in the hospital for 3 days, on a 'touch and go' kind of watch, and NOBODY CALLED ME!!!...Am I still IN this family or what?!! Going forward it's going to be kinda hard to do this!...
The part that REALLY hurts is that my sisters especially know how close I am to my dad, and yet, in a situation as dire as this....not one of them called me!! What's that about?!!...I'm really angry about it! I'm trying to prayerfully process it...as I always do. But no matter how I get pass this, somehow I know there's going to be some lingering feelings, and not good ones, toward my siblings over this one!
I'm remembering Bible verses...I'll spare you having to hear the long list of the ones I'm playing over and over in my head....comforting;...and I'm having chats with my hubby. He always has a way of making me feel better, no matter what's happened. :-)
As a matter of fact, after consoling me over this 'obvious slighting' from my family, he decided this was the perfect time to give me the details of his Colonoscopy procedure! LOL How he was in a room initially that had other men and women getting ready for the same procedure. All of the with their curtains drawn in between, but you could hear everything.
He was curious as to why the men were told to remove EVERYTHING, but the women were allowed to keep their underwear on! I assured him that I didn't know!! LOL He told me that because he was so tall they had to give him a longer johnny {Curious! :-/}; That he didn't have to count backwards or anything when they put the medication in his I.V., but he did wake up with the doctor talking to him, and he was staring at what the doctor said was the inside of his pink colon!!! He said it looked like chitlings on T.V.!! ^_^ {If you don't know what chitlings are you're not gonna know how funny that really is!!!}
We were laughing hysterically by the time we went to bed! {And you really haven't laughed until you've done it with a C-Pap machine on!!! LOL}..Once again, hubby came to the rescue! :-)
... I'm thankful I have him as my family...even though I want to strangle the whole rest of my brood!!! ^_^
Hopefully I'll get okay enough to call and talk to my siblings today. Maybe there's something about this that I'm not seeing correctly....Hurt feelings will get in the way of that happening sometimes....And, Oh yeah, did I mention....My feelings are REALLY hurt over this!!!...Yeah, I probably mentioned that! ^_^
Has anything like this ever happened in your family?! Was there a reasonable answer for it?! Are you still mad about it today?! I'd love some feedback on it, even though I know it's gonna be one I have to work out myself...over time.
This poem is not new....surprisingly! {Forgive the seeming hardness of it's tone, but at that time it was how I felt} I wrote it back before my family and I got closer. Now some of these emotions are rearing their ugly head again!
Inside The Family-Out
Although I love all of them
and put myself 'All-Out' in love,
they continue to behave
as though my love's disposable.
I came into this world alone
and I never knew my dad.
My mom was, most times, self-absorbed.
For sure, my future looked real bad.
I was my mother's older child;
Illegitimate-but cute-
The product of impatience-
Her dark-eyed forbidden fruit.
Inside the family-but out-
Never quite belonging there.
Never looking like my sisters
(I had more weight, and straighter hair).
Later, resentment reared its head-
My sisters all would pout and moan;
'Why would their dad take me with them,
treating me just like his own?'
It didn't show itself so much
back when we were growing up;
But, now, underlying tension
is about to tip the cup.
I got married-moved away-
But was concerned about them all.
I would write and visit them-
But I was not worth a phone call?!
There was always an excuse
that I should 'Really' understand;
And when they wanted something
I was suppose to say: "I Can!"
When there was a pregnancy
I crocheted them things to wear-
(Not because they needed them-
but to let them know "I Care".)
I'd invite them to my house,
but they rarely ever came;
and they'd lie and say they would-
like it was some funny game!
I was suppose to get involved
in the workings of their life,
But they wouldn't try to know me-
and it cut me like a knife.
I still try to understand it,
but I take a different route-
Now I try to keep some distance,
make them guess what I'm about-
Still inside the family-out.
Jazzie, Thank you so much for letting me know! :-) This post was not an easy one, but I'm feeling much better now that it's out of my head, and I said what I needed to say. Funny how writing and sharing does that! :-]
ReplyDeleteOh, Deb, I can really feel how you are feeling through your writing! There is no way you could not feel hurt or slighted without a reasonable explanation.
ReplyDeleteI remember one time my dad told me about a procedure he was having done, but wasn't going to tell my sister (she lives close to him in Germany) until it was done because he didn't want to worry her. His wife and I both told him that he should tell my sister beforehand. It would be worse for her to not have been told in case something happened than it would be worrying about him. And so he did tell her and all was well.
I am so grateful you have your sweet husband to cheer up and help you process this all.
Much love and a big hug! Silke
Deb, I can sure understand the stress you've been under now! I'm so sorry things went this way for you and I can certainly understand your hurt! I sure wish I could be there and give you a huge ((HUG))! I would bring chocolate too, but I'm not sure it would help. Just be sure to keep it in your prayers (I'm sure you have) and lean on Jehovah to help you through this, or at least to be able to talk to your family in a nice way. I am glad that your Dad is alright now...that's at least, good news! Hang in there my friend!
ReplyDeleteDeb,you are so right to be hurt and upset. It was wrong of your family to keep this from you. Sometimes people we love disapoint us and we find it hard to forgive them. I hope you get the answers you need when you call them and ask for an explanation. If not you'll need to find a way to get past this and forgive them otherwise you'll be the one suffering from resentment and hurt.
ReplyDeleteBelow is something I found while searching forgiveness, it's a very wise Native America belief and something that I will help you:
At some point in our lives, all of us have been wronged by another person and felt hurt, angry or resentful. This is a natural reaction and part of being human. However, if we do not resolve or come to terms with these hurts, they drive our actions and create a negative way of life. By harboring past hurts, we have the potential to do far more harm to ourselves than anyone else can possibly do.
"All illness is caused by not forgiving"
Hope you will find peace and love in yourself no matter what your other family members think or say. Joella
I was really sorry to read your post i could feel your pain and its so hurtful what family members get up to sometimes. But the most important person here as i can see is your father and he knows how much you love and care for him thats whats important, that he knows and that you know and that if you had known you would have been there with him. My friend says when im angry or hurt about something did you use the 24 hour rule and that is think about it for 24 hours and if it still bugs you or upsets you then by that time you are calmer enough to deal with it. I hope that all makes sense. Sending you a ((hug)) take care dee x
ReplyDeleteI think you have every right to be angry. I would want answers. Get answers. That is really intolerable. What's the bet they are jealous of you and your relationship with your dad! Ok and then forgive because that is better for you and takes the power from them.
ReplyDeleteUgh.
And I am GLAD your Dad is ok.
Silke, Thank you for the kind words. I'm so glad that someone besides me can understand what I was feeling!...And thanks so much for sharing your experience with me too! Your dad's feelings, I think, were the same as my dad's too. But still, he didn't tell anyone not to contact me! In fact, he thought someone had called me...Big YAY to your dad for his decision! :-) It's tough when you love someone and there's physical distance between you. I say LET ME WORRY, if need be! Everybody was!! I don't want to be "different" when it comes to situations as serious as that!...Thanks so much!!
ReplyDeleteCinLynn, I knew that once you knew, you'd understand. :-) And even though it wasn't the same as chocolate, and I couldn't get that hug in person, I applied it 'Virtually'! ^_^ It was very helpful!!....And you're right, dad's being okay is the most important thing! He's still got that other operation coming up too...in March I think. I hope we get this whole thing worked out before then!...I'm definitely going to need to do some praying! :-]
ReplyDeleteJoella, Thank you so much for going out of your way to be helpful. It's so true, harboring resentment is not the way to go...and I'm sure I won't do that long term. It's just gonna take me a little while to process exactly what happened, deal with it, and move on. I know my God would not approve of me being mean-spirited or unforgiving, so I'm attempting to work my way through the emotions...step by step...There must be some chocolate and some understanding on the other end of this somewhere!! ^_^
ReplyDeletedelia, First thing...Thanks for the hug. :-) Second, your friend's rule is a good one! It stops you from doing anything rash, and gives you some time to think it through. That's what I've been doing. I was glad we had a nice meeting talk today. It was on "Integrity". I'm sure happy for reminders on how to behave! :-)...And by the way, my dad absolutely knew that I would have been there if I could. So, that's makes things easier to deal with.
ReplyDeleteMichele, I must admit those thoughts have passed through my mind, but I'm hoping there is no truth in it. I love my siblings and I wouldn't want to impute that kind of bad motive on them. But since I don't know...I have to talk to them to see...*deep breath* FAMILY!!! UGH!
ReplyDeleteHey Deb... I'm sorry you're in emotional pain. What can I say????? I hope you feel better about this soon. Love you! BTW, I see another family development that I hope has POSITIVE results. *Muah*
ReplyDeleteAlicia, Yeah, I saw that too!...I'm venturing into that water with my oars half pulled up!! Gotta be careful I don't let my boat tip over!! :-) I know you know what I mean!!
ReplyDeleteOh Poetess, I feel your pain and I am so sorry that you went through this. I can totally understand why you felt put out. On the plus side, I am glad your Dad is feeling better and that you were still able to talk with him.
ReplyDeleteDeb, when ever family things happen I always think of Erma Bombeck's description of family: "Family, the ties that bind and gag"...I too have been hurt by actions of family. I'm close to my sibs and Mom but occasionally "stuff" happens. Years ago it was Mom not remembering my kids birthdays and even Christmases or someone in the family would pass away and I wouldn't hear about it..then it was always the standard "Oh, I thought I told you" Since I don't live in the same state I always felt left out. But time passes and forgiveness is hard, but necessary. A good friend said once that not forgiving is like you taking poison hoping the other person would die. They are usually clueless and this hurt doesn't affect their lives, but it's eating you up. So talk to them, find out their side, then I guess you have to decide how to handle the hurt. You're a spiritual person and I know you'll be guided as to what to do...Sorry this is so long winded!
ReplyDeleteJo-anne, Thank you...I'm feeling much better today. I still haven't talked to my siblings yet though. It'll happen....sometime or the other. :-))
ReplyDeleteyaya, Ha! Ha! Now you've hit my funny bone!! I LOVED Erma Bombeck!! I read her books over and over and over. I hadn't remembered that line...but I LOVE IT!!!!!! ^_^ And it's so true too!!...And you weren't long-winded at all! I enjoyed every word! Especially because I can see that you know EXACTLY how I feel!!...I wish Erma Bombeck was still around. I'd probably commission her to write a funny book about the exploits of my family. Somehow seeing it through her eyes, I know, would take the sting off of the hurt. I saw her do it with her own family many times. Thanks for reminding me of her. :-]
ReplyDeleteI feel so bad that you were treated this way because I know exactly how you feel. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI am still very bitter towards my two sisters and brother. Years ago I was living miles away from family, on my own when there was some trouble between my two sisters and my parents. Now, I ADORE my parents and we have always got along very well. Anyway my sisters got nasty and turned against ME saying I was the favourite and I wasnt even there to defend myself! I heard it all second hand from my Mum. Also one time when my parents were looking after my son, my older sister came to visit with her twin daughters. They said some extreemly hurtful things about my son that my Mum overheard them saying and I simply can't forgive them for it. My older sister has never once visited my house, or come to my sons birthdays. Her husband was extreemly rude and condesending towards my parents and my sister never defended them. The three of them (sisters and brother) kind of banded together and formed this little "Poor little me" club, and even though I love them, I hate them for doing it. I had never done one hurtful or wrong thing towards any of them and all I have got from them in return is indifference, and very devastated feelings.
I hate situations like this... I don't understand why they didn't tell you... Maybe talking to them might clear the air or at least they will tell you why but I would be furious as well!!! Let us know what they said in their excuse.
ReplyDeleteOf course the most important thing is that your dad is okay! And I'm so glad your hubby knows how to cheer you up! :)
Alittlesprite, WOW! Boy do I know those feelings!! And although I'm certainly no expert at dealing with this kind of thing, I can tell you that one thing I've learned over the years, from MANY family situations, is that even when there isn't always a 'meeting of the minds', face to face communication has to take place for there ever to be an opportunity for healing. I'm not necessarily talking just about you here, but for myself too, I have to calm down first!....Then confront right away, putting all of the 'cards on the table', (so to speak)...and last, like myself for taking the initiative to fix it, NO MATTER how it turns out! That's the recipe I'm following this time too...with lots of prayer and laughter added in! :-] I know I won't leave the situation feeling bad about who I am!! I'm not perfect, but I, like you, am pretty fabulous!! ^_^
ReplyDeleteMariann, I don't understand it either. I have my own ideas about it, but I'm not going to read that into the situation when I'm really not sure. I want to believe that they love me...but that they're just really insensitive sometimes, or that they knew how hard I would take his being in the hospital and figured they wouldn't tell me because they just knew he'd be fine and I wouldn't have to find out! I mean, who wants to think that the people they love don't value them very much?!!...But I always have Mr. Funny Man!!! ^_^
ReplyDeleteYou ARE fabulous!!
ReplyDeleteI have made efforts to get together but I just get let down all the time. Now my little sister wants everyone to meet and have lunch while she is in tow and everyone jumps and says YES! Like the sun shines out of her skinny little butt.
Alittlesprite, Ha! Ha! I still hear just the slightest little bit of RESENTMENT!!! LOL But here's the real question...are you going?! :-)
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm going. I wouldnt miss the chance of having all the siblings together. I havent seen the older two since my wedding almost two years ago.
ReplyDeleteAlittlesprite, Good girl! "Never let 'em see you sweat!" LOL
ReplyDeleteBackyard BlogSpot define regarding the Home-Original Oil Painting by black sketchbook. I love him so much; I make sure I keep in close communication with him regularly.
ReplyDeleteColon Cleansers, I don't understand your post. If you need to contact black sketchbook though, just click the link to his name and leave a message in the "contact" section of the etsy shop...scroll down, on the left.
ReplyDelete