Sunday, May 9, 2010

Give Away

Right off the bat today I have to apologize to any of you that have become used to my humorous and light-hearted way of writing. I had one of those days yesterday that started off bad and just kept getting worse! In fact, I almost decided to talk about something else just so as not to think about it again...but writing has always made me feel better. Let's hope that will be the result today as well!
 This "Spun Sunlight-Fine Art Photographic Print" by lilacpopphotography on ETSY  http://www.etsy.com/shop/lilacpopphotography gives the exact feel for what mood I was in yesterday. (Both photos are yours for FREE SHIPPING too, by the way!)...I was woke up by thunder boomers, rain, and dark clouds. And it stayed like that outside most of the day...Inside I actually was doing quite well initially because of having fond memories of rainy days, from when I was a child. Rain coming down on a Georgia tin roof was some of the most peaceful goodness I could find back then... But I did my usual thing, checking out my shop...NO SALE. Going over to Facebook...and there in lies the beginning of a bad day getting worse!
  I talked a couple of days ago about my sisters and how we all had different moms and dads and grew up apart somewhat. Well, one of my sisters, one I hadn't spoken to for years until I recently went on Facebook, had posted a message to her mom there. Not to her biological mom, the mom we both share. But to the mom that raised her. She obviously loves her VERY much, and I can certainly see why. She was very loved growing up... The reason it hit me so hard is because she had been the child my mom gave away when she was a baby. My baby... Being the oldest of my mom's then three children, this third one felt like my baby!...Now, here we are all these years later, dancing around subjects, awkward in responses, and not really knowing each other...She had asked for a picture of our brother two days ago, and I uploaded for her a picture of that brother with 3 other siblings. Then today not only was there this sweet posting for her mom, but also a question for me...wanting to know who was who in the picture I sent her, but when she asked about them she spelled everybody's...her sister and brothers...names all wrong!
 This print entitled "Sisters-Fine Art Photograph on Metallic Paper" by the same ETSY seller shows exactly what I was feeling. Close enough to her to touch, talk, and reminisce with, but still all wrapped up emotionally  and separated by our growing up situation.  This print also conveys the thoughts behind my poem today, a poem I wrote on another dark and stormy day, emotionally, many years ago.
  It leaves me with questions that are answered obviously, but not answered emotionally...How could she not know how to spell her own brothers and sisters names? How could she not feel the same emotional bond with me and the other siblings as she obviously feels for her adoptive mom and siblings? Answer: Because our situation didn't allow her to know them like that...like I do.  How can I be 50 years old and letting something that happened all those years ago be bothering me like that?!!...Because I love her. I always will. She's my sister...and she was my baby too, and my mom, because of circumstances, gave her away. Her reasons were real for her then too. There is no one to blame. It just IS WHAT IT IS...But I still miss what could have been, if everything had been perfect in our family...but it was not.
  Today the sun is shining outside. I'm sure I'll have the sun shining inside, emotionally, again too. I actually am already feeling better...writing always helps. Deep breath...moving on...carrying all the good memories.
  On a lighter note, I need to have a give-Away in my shop! (Sorry for the awkward transition, but this ALSO was on my mind yesterday. One give away may have sparked the thoughts that focused on the other!) But what can I give away?! If you were going to get something from my shop for FREE, what would you want?! I need some feedback this time people! HELP!! {For those reading the poem...I altered it a little, leaving out the names, for my family's privacy.}

To Give A Child Away

There were no clouds in the sky;
It was the most beautiful day-
the day when mama broke my heart,
and gave sweet baby girl away.

She couldn't  afford another child-
Another hungry mouth to feed;
She gave her to some friends of hers-
and so, HER worry was now freed.

The friends could not have a child.
(And I would never know quite why.)
But I knew that when they took her,
they took the sparkle from my eye.

I watched her leave, that sunny day,
the baby that had felt like mine.
Taken to another home,
and leaving all of us behind.

I was only six or seven
on this day that was so hard;
and in her next formative years
we'd  only see her in her yard.

In her gated little yard,
where we'd walk by, and wave at her;
But she never did wave back,
because she didn't  know who we were.

Later on she would find out;
(That was the deal that mom had made,
that she would know about her birth;
The friends promised, and they paid.)

The only thing that I regret
is that we all grew up apart;
Never really getting close,
and speaking freely, heart-to-heart.

But she grew up with lots of love,
and a stable place to live;
With good adoptive parents,
with much time, and hugs to give.

So if there's anyone out there
that's gonna give a child away-
(whether feeling that they HAVE to,
or for reasons they can't  say-)

Be sure to think of all the things
affected by that one decision;
of all the others in your life,
who have a different kind of vision.

Think long and hard about that day,
not just about the pain and strife;
But how handing them your child
will now, forever, change your life.

4 comments:

  1. Wow, what an incredible story and poem. The sisters photo IS perfect. My husband recently (at age 34) found out that he has a half sister that his mom adopted out before he was born and before she met his father. They have recently connected along with his other siblings.

    The wonderful thing about art is hearing how the image makes someone else feel and how it can be interpreted so differently from person to person. I am going to share this post with the sisters in the photo too.

    I hope you have a better day today and even though it may take time, hopefully things like facebook will bring you closer to your long lost sister.

    Janna

    ReplyDelete
  2. wow...families, so complex, none perfect

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Deb, I had no idea what a terrible day you had yesterday! I'm sorry I wasn't around to comfort and support you.

    Thanks for sharing yet another chapter of your life with me. I thought I had a difficult childhood! Mine doesn't compare. I'll blog about it soon...

    I found myself wiping tears from my eyes and feeling your pain!! I'll tell you why in my blog.

    Hopefully today is better for you...and don't forget the ONE that loves you dearly and will more than make up for it in the NEAR future!! Keep your faith strong my sister...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Alicia9/05/2010

    Oh Deborah... this has me crying because I remember how those days were. I am so so sorry for your pain but I'm glad you have found such happiness as an adult.

    ReplyDelete

Wait!! Click the "Join This Site" button, and leave me a comment! I'd love to get your thoughts! ^_^