Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Today is 'Say What You Need To Say' Day

                                {Silhouette Father and Daughter First Steps...by Lauri57}
       {Sometimes in life you just need to be quiet, and sometimes you need to not speak and just listen, but sometimes you need to speak up and 'say what you need to say'. Following is the letter I would have written to my biological dad, saying what I needed to say to him, but never got the opportunity...Other letters will be posted at the bottom.}

Dear Dad,
    Actually, I probably shouldn't have started a letter to you with 'Dear Dad', seeing as I never met you or anything. But somehow...and it's a funny kind of thing...I feel like I've always known you. That's probably because as a little girl everybody, most of the time in whispers, used to say: "She looks just like her father, doesn't she?" I hoped you were handsome! Otherwise they might have been insulting me and I didn't catch on! LOL
   I need to tell you, first off, that I'm not angry with you that we never got to meet. In fact, if it hadn't been for you, or at least the THOUGHT of you being somewhere out there, I might not have made it through my childhood in as good of shape emotionally as I did! Although...when I used to see Michael Landon {Little Joe, on Bonanza}, or Elvis Presley, I used to imagine that they were my father. What can I say...I was a little kid! ^_^
      It was very rough being raised by Ma, with all of the issues that swirled around her life all the time. I'm sure you must have heard. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I was, and to a great extent, still am, disappointed at the fact that you apparently didn't feel it was necessary for you to be around at least when I was born,....
                                {Love at first sight by TheOpenPalette}
        ....and then to stay available to me growing up, if not be in my life on some sort of regular basis.
   It would have been nice to have your phone number and be able to have called you when I unfortunately was being abused by different people, or when I fell in love for the first time and got my heart terribly broken.
        I would love to have had your input on the major decisions I had to make in my life, and for you to have met my husband, Jeff. He's a great man and an even better person. He takes good care of me.I'm sad we couldn't have had a conversation about him and I the day I got married. I used to imagine us on that day, in the back room somewhere, right before we went down the aisle, with you asking me: "Do you really love him?" and me smiling at you and saying something like: "Don't worry Dad! He loves me!"
      Did you ever wonder about me over the years?! Did you try to contact Ma?! I know it might have been hard if you did because....WHEW!....we moved around a lot!! Did you ever get a picture of me?! Ma says she sent one to a friend of yours when I was born, but she says she never heard from you after that, so she didn't know whether you got it or not.
   I don't want to start talking about Ma. Even though there sure is a lot of questions I have about you and her that I wish I could find out the answers to! Like, did you love her?! Did you ever see her when she was in the later stages of her pregnancy with me?! Did you really leave her as soon as you found out that she was pregnant?! Probably none of my business. I can respect that. But it still doesn't stop me from wondering. :-)
   I am in my 50s now. No longer a little kid waiting on the edge of the driveway, looking at every driver that passes by in a car and wondering: "Is that my father?"
                                           {Daddy's Love by StephanieGuajardo}
        Your wife sent me pictures of you some years back. You were handsome. Not Elvis or Little Joe, ^_^ but pretty good-looking for an average guy! :-) I cried the first time I saw your picture because it was the first time I ever looked into anyone's face and saw myself so clearly there! I could see my cheek bones, and my smile. Even the little moles you had on your face were just like mine! WOW! Aren't genes something?!
    I know you had 2 kids with your wife before I was conceived, and 2 after you went back to her. Boy, girl and boy, girl. I saw the picture of your youngest daughter, my sister...*strange to say*. She looks like me too! I've never met or even talked to any of them, but I hope to do that one day. They're still trying to work some things out about me. Like why you never even told them that you had another daughter. I guess I'm trying to work that out myself. I've gone through a lot emotionally over the years just trying to work that out! I still don't have all of the answers, but I'm no longer in pain about it either. I guess time really does heal some wounds.
   Here's what I need to tell you. Whether you knew about me or not, I have always known about you! And the knowledge of you caused me great happiness. You were my refuge when things were bad, my port in a storm...and there were lots of storms! But because of you I could always say to myself: "If my dad were here things would be different!"
                                            {Dads Helper....by VickieWadeFineArt}
       Like little kids do when they don't know the whole story, I loved you anyway! I figured that if you didn't come back it probably had something to do with my mother! I never thought it was about me...In all honesty, I probably should have, but I never did! But I did think that if I made myself the best little girl in the whole world you'd be able to find me somehow and everything would then be perfect! Well, I was the best little girl in the world....you didn't come back and find me....and everything wasn't perfect. And that's the way life goes.
    I may never meet you, and this may be the only letter I ever write you, so I want you to know that while my childhood was really bad, the rest of my life has been really good! Jeff and I have been together for more than 30 years. Unfortunately, we didn't have children, and I didn't get the chance to show a little girl what it should be like to be loved by a parent whose always there.
    But I have shown that love to every little girl and every little boy I've come in contact with throughout my life. I think you would have been proud of me. I don't want to hurt you by saying this, but I felt that they deserved to be loved unconditionally by someone,...everyone,....in their vicinity, to make up for any love they missed by a parent not being there for them when they needed them to be. And since there were no kids of our own, Jeff and I also showered all kinds of love on each other. It made up for it...kinda. :-]
      As to me, I love music,...all kinds,...and I sing a bit too. I was almost the lead singer in a couple of groups when I was younger even! Now I just sing to Jeff and my congregation. I'm one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and a Bible teacher. I've had many students over the years that I have watched raise their children in loving environments. I've often wondered what kind of family ours would have been if I had 2 parents growing up in a house full of love for God and each other.
      I love to read, talk, and write poetry. I wrote a book about my life that I may try to get published one day...Don't worry. I wasn't TOO hard on you! ^_^ Honestly, I could be here all day trying to tell you about all the things that make up ME! I'll spare you. I'll save it for the day we meet...Yes, I believe it will happen!
   Saying goodbye right now is going to be kind of hard. So, before I do, I'll say something else that I need to say...I love you...and I always will.
                               {Fathers hold their daughter's hearts by ImagesofHope}
      I'll carry your genes with pride and try my best to make you proud of the woman that I have, and will, become. Maya Angelou, one of my favorite poets, once said that 'people do what they know how to do, and when they learn better, they do better'. I hope that after you read this letter you say to yourself that if given another chance you would 'do better'. I believe you would. If given the chance to have the baby girl I always wanted for myself and to do the best I could for her, I would have. Somehow with your genes in me, I know without you saying it, that you would. I think that you and I would have been great friends...Dad.
    Until we meet, your daughter, Deb

My Baby Girl

To the little girl
that I never had,
when I think of you
it makes me sad.

All the years
that I missed;
Your little forehead
I could have kissed.

Watching your eyes
when I breast fed;
Reading you stories
when you went to bed.

How the words
would've run like water
off my tongue,
just to call you "daughter"!

Tucking you in,
with your "Teddy Bear";
Changing your diapers,
combing your hair.

Sharing secrets,
when you could talk;
Watching you pull yourself
up to walk.

The first time you
would eat solid food;
Your first baby pictures,
in the nude.

How I now wish
I had not been afraid,
and let all of my
opportunities fade.

I might well have been
a good mother;
And who knows-
You might have had a brother!

I could have walked you to school
on your first day;
You could have learned to cook.
I would have taught you the way.

You could have played with dad
(Too rough for me!)
I could have watched you sing
with dad-off key.

Oh-The many things
I could have taught her,
my little baby girl,
my child-my daughter.

But-is it too late now,
for that endeavor?
Who knows-(God willing
I won't be childless forever.)

Just the thought of it,
my heart it warms,
that one day I'll hold
my baby girl in my arms;

Or maybe one day
it will be
a baby boy
looking up at me.

But naming a boy 'Alanise'
would not be kind.
That name is for the baby girl
of my heart and mind.

And I'll hold her close
one day.(I just know it!)
But until then,
I'm just a baby girl poet.

Other letters:
1.) "Say What You Need To Say" A letter to my mother by Cindy at CinLynnBoutique 
2.) Today is 'Say what you need to say' Day by Velma of  SnowFlakeDreams1
3.) three: the one we forgot by Hollie at the blog  And baby makes three

16 comments:

  1. Very touching letter Deb. My heart aches for you and the things you went through. It's so nice to know that Jehovah has sustained you through all these years and will continue to until you meet your father and be able to tell him these things in person. Who knows, you may even be able to give him a copy of this!
    Great job! I linked this to my letter too!

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  2. Oooo! I didn't you know you wrote your letter. Going to get it linked right now!...And thanks too! I look forward to maybe getting to say these things to him one day. :-)

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  3. Oh Debbie! Your post to dad is beautiful! Brought tears to my eyes! I'm glad it's not an angry letter, yeah, time heals the wounds. And your poem...it's so beautiful that I started to cry... I am turning 30 next year and would like to have a baby girl at some point but am also afraid.
    I truly hope your dad will find and read this!
    xxx

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  4. Mariann, Thank you for the nice words. It brought tears to my eyes too...and I wrote it! :-) I needed to say those things out loud, but unfortunately he won't be reading it any time soon. He passed away some years back. I have only pictures of him and a hope that some day I can get to know him through his other children, my brothers and sisters....and in the future, HIM himself...Take it from me, waiting and not having my baby girl is one of my biggest regrets. But time doesn't allow you to go back and fix all things. That's why you have to do the best you can with TODAY!! :-)

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  5. Ohhhh....the tears are dropping like raindrops! What a beautiful, mature, Jehovah-filled out-pouring of emotion! You are an amazing women. Love you!

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  6. Wow....beautiful words. Time does heal. It's amaing to read people's lives through their words. I am so sorry for the pain of not knowing your dad has made. But that has helped shape who you are today and I am sure you wouldn't change that. A little window into who you are. Have a blessed day!

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  7. Leesha, Awwwww! Looks like I have all of us crying today! Sorry. :-/ Just needed to be said...Although you cry at the drop of a hat anyway...like me!!! ^_^ Thank you cuz. I almost wrote it to you!!!

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  8. Maritime, Thank you so much for the nice words. I agree about reading people's lives through their words...if they're brave enough to write it! I've found that writing is a definite outlet for me. It's hard to hide who you are when you write. :-]...For me there has definitely been pain, but extensibly much more joy! You're right. I wouldn't change a thing! :-)

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  9. Wow did I cry over this.So very touching with the deepest feelings felt for sure.

    Im ok, thanks for asking.I just am warn out from all the worries over the scan.All is good now I can focus on getting somethings done in between work.

    Have a great week, hope to see you by friday.

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  10. Becky, WHEW! I was worried. And I'm so glad to hear that everything is okay. Get some rest. Worrying is hard work!! :-] I'll see you on Friday then! :-)...By the way, thanks for the nice words about my post. And I hope yours were cleansing tears like mine.

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  11. Deb,
    Here is my link to my letter.
    http://snowflakedreams1.blogspot.com/2010/11/today-is-say-what-you-need-to-say-day.html

    Thank you for the courage you gave me to post this. I read your letter to your dad it made me cry. It just goes to show that we all carry some kind of baggage and that we don't let it keep us down. Some of it makes us stronger. Some of it we learn from. I'm glad that you have a great rock to lean on our God and then of course your wonderful and understanding husband.
    I love reading your blogs because of who you are and all your honesty. The beautiful poems that are so open about the heart and what we feel as humans.

    Thank You for being YOU!!!!

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  12. SnowFlakeDreams1, Thank you so so much, not only for the nice words about my blog, but also for participating so bravely by posting such an honest letter. As I said on your blog, I could have written a similar one to a grandparent too! The words I mentioned in my letter about what Maya Angelou said applies to our grandparents too. Don't you wish you knew what kind of pain turned him into the kind of person he was, rather than be loving and caring...like that beautiful poem you posted talked about?!! Sad...But look at you!! Just like me, we went into a profession where our feelings would have to be expressed for other people experiencing pain! We figured out how to do it, didn't we?! YAY us!! And YAY Jehovah God, for giving us the strength to keep on doing it every day!! :-)

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  13. What a great letter you wrote for your Dad. I could feel your love as I read it.
    Gosh, Can you pass me some tissues please. I love your poems but this one, wow, its just beautiful. You are one special person xoxo

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  14. Jo-anne, Thank you. Sorry about making you cry though. :-/ I had wanted to write that for a long time. I'm hoping that one day maybe his other family will be able to answer some questions about him for me. Time will tell...And thanks for the nice words about my poem too. That one is very personal to me. It came out in a few minutes some years back when I wrote it...and FYI, I think you're pretty special yourself! :-)

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  15. I love this. And of course you can link my post. Also, I wanted to tell you that you've inspired me to finishing knitting a scarf that I started a year ago!

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  16. Thanks for the nice comment Hollie I linked it!....And GREAT!, about the knitting! I hope you show it to us when you finish it!! :-]

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